RangelMD asks what role doctors play in the recent Vioxx dustup, coming to the conclusion that "there needs to be major changes in direct to consumer advertising of prescription medications."

I think Rangel is right about the effect of DCA.

Drug companies spend an astounding $5.3 Billion per year on direct to physician (DTP) advertising in promoting new medications with the goal of trying to change/influence prescribing habits but a recent study suggests that DTP promotions are far less effective than previously thought. Rather, it appears that direct to consumer advertising by the drug companies (another $2.5 Billion per year) is far more effective in getting patients to demand certain medications from their physicians.

That doesn't surprise me. Everyone knows that advertising has a greater effect on people who aren't as informed - just think about kids who are shocked when the Superman action figure doesn't actually fly, or older people who can't figure out why their new computer didn't come with the Internet installed. People who can fill in with outside knowledge are much less likely to swallow advertising copy at face value.

I'm hoping that Merck will have been bitten badly enough by Vioxx lawsuits to change their advertising practices, focusing more on risk-benefit profiles rather than trying to convince everyone that the great new drug is best for them. But I doubt that will happen; probably the wider the advertising, the more profit.

Regulating advertising isn't the answer, though. Rather than banning advertisements because most people don't have the information needed to evaluate them, we should try to provide that information.

What we should focus on is getting people to understand that drug commercials are no more trustworthy than commercials for cheap plastic toys, or paper towels, or McDonald's. Doctors need to provide straight answers (as, of course, the vast majority do) and avoid the temptation to give into patient demands. As Rangel says, patients who don't get what they want will go elsewhere, so it's hard. But what most patients really want is not a particular drug, but a cure for their issues - and a sense that someone is trying hard to take care of them. I think and hope that doctors who take the time to explain the options to patients and work to find the best solution will end up with very satisfied patients.

# : 2:55 PM : :

I've had a request to post more updates about what's going on with me. I like blogging in response to requests, though given that so far the requests I've received have been: more kittens, more politics, and more me, I think that just translates into more blogging overall. Which is a harder request!

Anyway, what have I been up to lately? Still volunteering at the hospital. Playing poker occasionally. Working a lot. I think I'm all done with interviews, but now I have to fill out financial aid forms. Dating someone wonderful. Trying to train the kittens not to be hooligans. Working on some possible side projects, which I'll talk about here if they pan out.

For MLK Jr weekend I took Tim up to Cleveland. We spent time playing games with my family, visiting grandparents, and going out with friends from Case. It was a lot of fun, and he was suitably amused by the three-tray slide show my dad put on. (Much young-Amanda cuteness was observed.) We tried to go to Mi Pueblo to visit my friend who used to tend bar there, but he doesn't anymore. Also, we were carded by a policewoman! I've never been carded at MP in my life. It would appear that the police figured that out.

This weekend I mostly worked a lot and cooked. I made chocolate-hazelnut clusters on Friday, then pork braised in red wine vinegar, garlic mashed potatoes, and pumpkin pie for dinner last night. I was supposed to cook quiche and pasta on Saturday, but I ate snacks instead. There were also birthday festivities for a friend on Friday night, and the bar was so smoky that my coat still smells like an ashtray.

Oh! And I got my hair cut on Friday. It was quite long and now it's a little above shoulder length - the shortest it's been since I was about 6. I was scared, but I think I like it. I'm having trouble uploading pictures lately, but hopefully I'll get to put up a photo soon.

[UPDATE: Haircut pictures here. Pictures of the weekend at my parents' here.]

I got tired of not being able to schedule stuff at work because my planner was at home, or at home because I needed to see my work calendar, so I made an extremely useful purchase: a $3 calendar that fits in my purse. I feel so organized - people ask me if I'm free, and I whip out my calendar.

Now, if only that organization could extend to my apartment. I need to do approximately 5 loads of laundry, unpack from the Cleveland trip, put away my Christmas presents, and keep up with the common area cleaning so my roommate doesn't hate me. None of this is going so well.

Yesterday I went to Guitar Center and checked out digital pianos. The ones I liked mostly cost about twice as much as I'd planned to pay. This puts a crimp in my plans - I don't want to spend hundreds of dollars on a stupid piano with bouncy keys, but I also don't want to spend a thousand dollars to get a nice one. It felt so nice to sit down at a keyboard though.

# : 1:16 PM : :

Today I decided to get my car washed, since the Cleveland trip left it with a nice coating of salt. So I went to the gas station, pushed "Yes" when it asked if I wanted a car wash, and got in line. It seemed like a pretty long line, and it hadn't moved while I was getting gas, but I figured if all those people were waiting in it, they must know that the car wash was generally pretty speedy and it wasn't an unreasonable wait.

But I wanted to know how long it was going to take, so I made a mental note when the guy at the head of the line went in - 5:08. He went out and the next guy went in at 5:14. There were ten people ahead of me in line. What the hell? Are they all mentally deficient? Or do they just have nothing better to do than wait in line for an hour for a car wash?

Luckily, the car wash code is good for 30 days, so I'm going to try back sometime this week when the line is shorter.

After that, I went to Giant to buy groceries for all the cooking I plan to do this weekend. The parking lot was totally full! I couldn't figure it out, and I jokingly wondered if they'd forecast snow without telling me, so all the snowphobes would have to stock up on TP and bottled water. (It's unbelievable - people here apparently think a few inches of snow may have them housebound for a week.) But no, I thought, that's silly; they must all be shopping for Sunday dinner.

As I left the grocery store, the snow started coming down.

# : 6:10 PM : :

I had to come to work today, even though I was originally supposed to have the day off. I wasn't very thrilled about this, but I planned to sleep in and show up around 10, stopping for a bagel on the way. The bagel stop is a treat; I usually only do it when this happens, and it makes me feel better about going to work if I have a tasty breakfast to look forward to.

So I went to Einstein Bros and ordered my standard pumpernickel bagel with light vegetable cream cheese. It's my favorite.

When I got to work, I eagerly opened up my bagel, only to find that I'd been given plain cream cheese instead. I was so upset!

I don't really like plain cream cheese much at all, but I love the vegetable kind. I had been very much looking forward to my breakfast, and then I just had a stupid bagel. Very disappointing.

It's kind of silly how angry I was at getting the wrong cream cheese. But considering that the proper bagel would have made my day so much better, it's not that unreasonable that the wrong one started me off very much on the wrong foot.

At least I didn't cry, like I did once in college when the dining hall ran out of mashed potatoes.

# : 10:33 AM : :

Today, I made myself feel like a huge dork by cracking up listening to NPR. The story was this one, about a proposal to re-legalize cockfighting by replacing it with chicken fencing. Seriously. They'd wear little electric suits and boxing gloves and everything. You MUST listen to the audio; the senator's manner of speaking just deepens the humor value.

# : 6:43 PM : :

Tom Bell at Agoraphilia has an interesting post against uniform spelling rules. I tend to disagree and think that there's value in having uniform spelling rules, even if the rules themselves are illogical. Tim makes a great point about the information theory involved. Mostly, for me, it's all about speed - which both Glen Whitman (in the Agoraphilia comments) and Tim touch on.

No fast reader primarily reads by sounding out words. You learn that way, just as you learn to play the piano by matching up each note in the music to a black or white key. But in order to get up any sort of speed, you have to be able to recognize words as a whole, just as you see a certain pattern in a chord and play it without looking at each individual note. In fact, very fast readers can essentially take in whole paragraphs at a glance (at least for relatively banal and non-challenging reading). I can deal with some ambiguities, like grey and gray - partially because they're both common, partially because the word shape remains similar, but enuf for enough puts up a bit of a speed bump for me. I guess if that spelling became common enough, I'd have no problem recognizing it, but I'd still have to hold an extra bit of data in my brain, and I don't think that's an efficient use of mental resources.

Of course, my near-complete neglect of phonics means that I miss almost all written puns, which is sad because I love puns. But I think it's made up for by the fact that I can read large portions of books while standing in bookstore aisles, so I don't have to actually buy those silly books that I'd be embarrassed to own.

# : 3:29 PM : :

I've been following the recent flap over Harvard President Summers's remarks with both interest and eye-rolling. The strength of responses from both sides is impressive. (The threatened fainting by certain offended women is, well, embarrassing.) I hadn't commented, since I didn't think I really had much to say, but once I decided to start writing, it became clear that the opposite was true, thanks to my experiences in a male-dominated field and moving to a more equally distributed one. So, apologies in advance for the very long post.

I doubt that there are very many cognitive differences between men and women (of course, I'm talking about the average). It seems that men may be slightly better at spatial reasoning and focused tasks, and women at verbal reasoning and things that require synthesis of ideas. It doesn't appear that there's any basis for claiming anything further, and even those findings are not large. I think it's ridiculous to say that men have innate cognitive endowments that better qualify them for math and science jobs.

But I don't think those types of differences are all that matter when we're talking about career choice. There are differences in opportunity, in how people are evaluated by others, and also in other, more abstract, attributes that have an impact on what people want to do with their lives.

I studied computer engineering in college, and I was a talented programmer. I tried out for the ACM programming team my junior year, and was the only girl to make it onto the "A" (~varsity) team. We placed 11th in the regional competition, missing qualification for nationals by one place. I don't think it occurred to my teammates that I was a chick, except that I had to room with the one girl on the "B" team rather than with them. They respected me because I could write damn good code.

CS, in general, struck me as impressively egalitarian. I'm sure most people have noticed how many unusual people tend to end up as programmers. But weirdos are welcomed in IT; as I said, if you can write good code, you're respected. It may help that much of the interaction isn't face-to-face, but I think CS types tend to be fairly tolerant overall. I've also noted that queer people seem overrepresented in the profession.

I can't think of a single time I felt discriminated against during college. Sure, people sometimes stared at my chest, but as far as working together, there was no weirdness at all. Professors treated me just the same as my male peers, and I was asked to sit on several mixed-gender committees.

At my real job, I've suspected sexism a few times. There have been occasions when I've pointed out an issue and been ignored, while my male colleagues were heard. (Usually months later, once they discovered the same issue.) I was hired at the same time as a guy with essentially identical qualifications (down to work history), and he got assigned to a cool job while I got scut work. I can't tell whether this is actually sexism or not. A young female coworker has experienced the same issues, but I think it's possible that people are reacting to our easygoing personalities rather than our gender. It certainly makes sense that, given a choice, you'd screw over the person who's less likely to complain. Actually, now that I've been here for awhile, I'm much more outspoken, and I haven't felt marginalized in quite some time. So I don't know. At any rate, I certainly don't feel out of place as a female.

Of course, as any regular readers know, I've decided to scrap this career plan and go into medicine instead. I really like programming, and I'm good at it - I could certainly support myself this way. But it's not the career for me, for several reasons. First, I'm miserable being chained to a desk all day. Second, I'm motivated more (on an hour-to-hour basis) by helping people than by solving problems or searching for knowledge. I get high off those things, but not enough to be motivated every day, while I'll go out of my way to give somebody a hand even if I'm not into the subject matter. Third, I want to excel at what I do, and I'm not going to rise to the top in this career. I'm just not passionate enough about it - I don't go home and read up on new technology before working on my homegrown MMRPG. I want to go out, and cook, and play music, and learn about other stuff. I'm a good programmer, but you can't be tops unless you're devoted to it, and I will never be.

When I started thinking about a career change, I felt like I was giving up, failing to reach my potential. And a lot of it was due to gender issues. Look at the reasons I'm doing this - I want more human interaction. I want to help people. I have broad, not deep, interests. Those are all chick things. And that bothered me.

So what the hell is wrong with being a chick, you ask?

I have no idea. I think that people should do what makes them happy, and I recognize that gender differences mean men and women are likely to want to pursue happiness in different ways, but when a female friend tells me she wants to quit her technology job and teach kindergarten back home, I'm disappointed in a way I wouldn't be if a man told me the same thing. So I guess maybe I expect more from women; since we were marginalized so long I feel like we have something to prove.

But what DO I want to prove? That men and women are exactly the same? Clearly not. That women can do what men can do? That doesn't need proving, at least not in the cases I'm talking about. There's a dearth of female Nobel Prize winners, but there are certainly enough competent women programmers to show the absurdity of any claims that women can't code. (See the third-to-last paragraph for what I think is the answer.)

I really don't know where my misogynistic (yes, I admit it) attitudes come from. I have a few ideas. Of the traits I most admire, those that are traditionally ascribed more to one gender are masculine: ambition, excellence in math and science, logical reasoning. But it's blindingly obvious that these are hardly the sole province of males.

Once I mentioned this cognitive dissonance to a woman who asked me if I'd grown up in a patriarchal household. Well, I can't help snorting when people talk about the patriarchy, and I really don't think that women were denigrated in my family, but I think it is true that I was treated differently, as a girl, than I would have been if I'd been born a boy. As a slightly silly example, despite my aptitude for technology, my dad never taught me to install electrical outlets or change the oil in the cars. I would have liked it a lot, and it would've been a really cool bonding experience. Of course, I ended up wanting to be an engineer anyway (my dad was thrilled at that, by the way), and I can certainly pick up a book and figure out whatever DIY skills I need, so no harm done. I think...

Would I have internalized a different set of desires, and stuck with the computer career? Would my sisters (humanities types all) have considered scientific careers if my dad had done that sort of thing with them? I don't know. I tend to think that the effects are minor; I was pretty self-directed (I remember my first exposure to programming was copying a BASIC program out of 321 Contact magazine) and I think that's necessary in order to succeed in, at least, CS. (I've never met any competent programmers who didn't learn most of their skills on their own.) On the other hand, it's entirely possible that an initial push in the geek direction would spark a desire that wasn't there before, and the rest of the path would be indistinguishable.

The other thing is that, given my non-stereotypically-female life goals, I had few female role models growing up. Of course, I'd love to be as thoughtful and generous as my grandma, as conscientious as my aunt, or as welcoming as my mom - and I hope that someday I will be. But they all planned their lives around their children, either not working at all or having jobs instead of careers. Devotion to children is fantastic, both for men and women - I look forward to having kids. But I'm going to have a career too, which means that I can't really model my life choices after theirs. Also, none of them get my math jokes.

Since most of my role models were male, I guess at some point I confused "what I want to strive for is often done by men" with "what's done by men is all that's worth doing." Oops. These days, I've been able to find many more female role models, and come to terms with the fact that I will never be a cool old guy in suspenders and a bow tie. I'm still not wearing any snowman earrings, though.

So yeah, it was really hard for me to accept that I was being driven by "feminine" motives. I wanted to be like a guy. I thought I was copping out, just like the women I try to avoid scoffing at, who give up "real" careers to sell candles or stay at home. I felt like making something of myself meant doing something stereotypically masculine. I guess I eventually worked through it, or at least stopped thinking about it so much. I know my new career is going to make me happier. And, too, medicine is hardly a cop-out!

I wish I didn't feel this way. It's a moral shortcoming, I think. I wish that it was easier for me to respect women as women, to appreciate women's unique contributions, to honestly believe that staying home with children is as worthwhile as working outside the home. I feel like a woowoo feminist when I say that sort of thing, though. I guess it's difficult for me to reconcile the fact that women and men aren't the same with my deeply held belief that we are equal.

All that navel-gazing to say, I think these issues - the conflicts between what our ideology and sense of fairness tell us and our feelings and observations about the world - can give women (and men, too) pretty big chips on our shoulders. It makes us overreact, maybe, to reminders that things aren't as we would really prefer them to be.

I think there really are differences that affect our career choices. Women are, on average, more likely to choose helping careers, to want to spread out their interests, to choose paths that allow them to spend more time at home. We may not like it, but it's true. I have no idea how much of that comes from genetics and how much from culture. I'd like to find out. And I know there is sexism, too, but I wonder how much of the discrimination is a reaction to those attributes, rather than a cause.

It should go without saying that there is still a need to fight against sexism, to evaluate people on their merits without regard to gender. But our success there won't look like a 50/50 gender distribution in every field, and assuming that will result in more discrimination, in the form of pushing people to do things that they don't actually want to do.

# : 9:55 PM : :

When I was in Cleveland last weekend I went to my sister's high school basketball game. It was very entertaining, as they have two players who are about a foot taller than anyone else on either team, so there was much showing off.

Every time I go to a school sports event, I roll my eyes at the parents who watch the game through Billy-covered glasses. Of course, you want your kid to win, but I don't think you're doing him any favors by pretending he's the best kid on the team, he never fouls anyone and neither do his teammates, the other team plays dirty, the referees are biased, and so forth. Root for your kid, but try to keep your eyes open.

There was a great example of this during last weekend's game. The ref made a string of calls that went somewhat in the other team's favor, but I thought they were pretty even-handed. The mom behind me scoffed "I think they must be watching a different game than we are!"

Well yeah, that's the point. We have referees so that someone is watching the game that you see when you don't care who wins.

# : 2:28 PM : :

The essay has been mailed. While standing in line, I was trying to decide whether I should get insurance on the package, and if so how much.

Insurance is automatic up to $100, and available up to $5000, which would cost $51.20.

I estimate my chances of receiving a scholarship at 1 in 10 (that's about how many students per class get them, and I doubt they invite more than a class-full of students to apply), but 0 if the essay doesn't get there. The scholarship is worth about $150,000 (four years' tuition). So my expected value is $15,000.

What I don't know is how likely the Post Office is to lose the envelope, so the calculations kind of fall apart at this point. A 1/100 chance would make the purchase of insurance a good deal if I were buying insurance for the actual value of the item. I'm not sure how the fact that I could only get it for a third of the value comes into consideration. I want to say that means it would be a good deal if there were a 3/100 chance of loss, but I dropped out of the probability for math majors class in favor of helping a friend through statistics, so I'm about at the outside of my math skills here.

I ended up not buying any insurance. I think I'm not optimistic enough about my chances, so keeping my $50 sounded like a better idea. Also, "The amount of insurance coverage for loss will be the actual value, less depreciation. No claim payments are made for sentimental losses or for any expenses incurred as a result of the loss." so they probably wouldn't have let me do it anyway.

# : 4:20 PM : :

Secondaries completed: 13

Interview invitations: 9

Interviews actually attended: 8 (I withdrew from one because it wasn't worth the travel costs)

Acceptances: 3

Rejections: 2 (both post-secondary; no interview)

Waitlists: 1

No word from: 2 (still hoping)

I wish that sometimes the interview would make me less interested in the school. That would make decisions easier.

Right now all my writing energy is being sucked up by a scholarship essay. Blogging may return this weekend.

# : 7:40 PM : :

Last night I had to be at 20th and M to teach at 7:00. I reached 18th and E at 6:45, having assumed that 15 minutes would be sufficient to travel less than half a mile. Instead, it took me 45 minutes, meaning I was half an hour late to work. I tried to park and walk the rest of the way (since I was averaging a speed of about two-thirds of a mile per hour, it was clearly the best choice), but it's impossible to get into a parking space with someone tailgating you a foot from your bumper. That was all due to the nutcase who threatened to blow himself up outside the White House.

Today, it snowed. About an inch. OH MY GOD WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! was pretty much the reaction from everyone in my office. I still find it hilarious how surprised DCers are when it snows, which is an event that happens several times per year, and is generally well-predicted ahead of time. Also, while I personally don't see the point of plowing an inch of snow, it's clearly necessary in a city filled with southern transplants. But, judging from the roads I can see out the window, VDOT owns neither plows nor salt. What the heck? This isn't Florida!

I'll be staying at work late tonight. I'd rather not have my car crunched by some Texan transplant who thinks his SUV removes any responsibility he has to drive carefully in snow.

Tomorrow, I'll be trying to avoid the Inauguration Day festivities by driving to Baltimore for an interview. No way am I braving downtown again this week.

# : 5:58 PM : :

For those who need to know more about the world's fauna...

What's That Bug?

They accept questions and photos from people who are trying to identify bugs. It's pretty neat, and the replies are often funny. I haven't worked up the courage to go to pages for any scary bugs though; I'm going to stick with grasshoppers.

Animal Reviews

I'm not sure how to describe this site, but it's very funny.

From the jellyfish review:

Passive-aggressive was really a term that was invented for the jellyfish, a creature of such great design that it really doesn't have to do anything for its entire life. Compare this to a cat, who has long been considered to be one of the lazier beasts on the earth, and the cat seems almost hyperactive. The jellyfish's behaviour is hardly even behaviour, considering that you can't even tell if they're alive or dead.

The verdict on cats:

Overall, cats are pretty excellent.

+ Comes in a range of exciting colours
+ Chases torches
+ Kneads your lap
+ Ferocious killer of other animals
+ Pirate friendly

- Try eating a tuna sandwich in front of a cat and see the hassle you end up with.

# : 3:21 PM : :

Battle Lessons: What the generals don't know

The sites, which are accessible to captains and lieutenants with a password, are windows onto the job of commanding soldiers and onto the unfathomable complexities of fighting urban guerrillas. Companycommand is divided into twelve areas, including Training, Warfighting, and Soldiers and Families, each of which is broken into discussion threads on everything from mortar attacks to grief counselling and dishonest sergeants. Some discussions are quite raw. Captains post comments on coping with fear, on motivating soldiers to break the taboo against killing, and on counselling suicidal soldiers. They advise each other on how to kick in doors and how to handle pregnant subordinates. Most captains now have access to the Internet at even the most remote bases in Iraq, and many say they’ll find at least ten or fifteen minutes every day to check the site.

The story is striking, with examples of a soldier who was thrown into a position of command and used the site to figure out how to deal with the death of a soldier, and another who learned from her reading how to call a medevac helicopter.

It's rough reading at times, though.

One call lesson on I.E.D.s, for example, opens with a video-game graphic of a Humvee hitting a mine and being fired upon by guerrillas: men scream, blood splatters. The segment ends with a cartoon sergeant grading the answers to a test: “That’s a go, soldier!” or “No go, soldier!” “Some of our soldiers are nineteen years old,” Colonel Saul explained. “This has to be aimed at them.”

It briefly occurred to me that I could say something silly about how the internet offers improvement for everyone's quality of life, but it wouldn't be amusing. I'm glad those soldiers were able to organize this. But I wish they didn't have to.

(HT: Hit and Run)

# : 5:59 PM : :

I'm working on getting pictures up from my kittens' Christmas trip to Cleveland. It won't let me upload a whole bunch at once, which I'm too lazy to fix, so they're coming piecemeal.

The kittens did very well. Max cried in the carrier, so I let them roam around the car (I know, I know). They spent most of the time hiding under my seat:



when they weren't being Very Naughty Indeed:



At my parents' house, they didn't get along with the resident cats, who were also not too pleased at having guests. We kept my kitties in the library. But we brought my sister's kitten, Tigger, in for play dates.



Max was a little scared of Tigger (despite being twice his size) but Tess liked him. They spent a lot of time play-fighting, and Tess was very nice, allowing Tigger to attack her and even knock her over a few times even though she outweighs him considerably.



My mom kept wanting to let the kittens out - she thought it would be cute to see them frolicking all over the house. I didn't want them to get beaten up, but we sometimes let them explore anyway.



Once Max got out of the library right before we sat down to dinner, and we didn't realize it. We kept hearing frantic meows, so I went to investigate. Max was pawing at the library door and mewing, mirrored by Tess doing the same thing from the inside. And Ashes (fat parental cat) was a few feet away, menacing Max into the door. Poor baby, he was scared!

I wish I'd gotten a picture. But I didn't, so I'll finish with this one of Santa-Tigger instead:

# : 3:41 PM : :

I've been following the recent discussion on men and women with interest. This topic fascinates me, but I also find it upsetting and usually, in the end, tedious.

Will's original post stated that "controversially, men need women to be women and women need men to be men." Julian didn't get it. Neither did I. I spent quite awhile trying to figure out what Will could possibly mean before he clarified that, in general, he likes pretty girls who want babies. Nothing wrong with that - personally, I'm a fan of handsome men who like babies.

So this musing, though set off by the original post, isn't directed at anyone in particular.

I tend to get upset when conversation turns to the differences between men and women. I'm not sure why - certainly I don't deny that the differences exist. Actually, I think my experience is the exact opposite of Will's - he's been made to feel guilty by the blank slate crowd for having somewhat stereotypical preferences. I've fallen for the Is/Ought fallacy, feeling that since I didn't fit the Way Things Are Supposed To Be, I must be wrong.

I'm always reminded of health classes in which we were informed that boys were driven by hormones and would try to persuade us girls to have sex with them, while girls were motivated by love instead of sex. We were armed with helpful ripostes such as "If YOU really loved ME, you'd respect my feelings." And that was fine, until I actually encountered such situations and realized that often, the desire was mutual, and sometimes, the girl was the one who wanted sex, while the boy just wanted to cuddle.

Being an adolescent, I took this as proof that I was somehow broken (instead of just realizing that the teachers had their heads in the sand). At this point, I've figured out that there's a spectrum of normal human behavior, and while men and women may cluster at different points, being closer to the male side in some ways doesn't make me wrong. The fact that I'm still ready to jump at the implication may suggest that I haven't quite internalized it, though!

This is the same reason why I hate those Mars and Venus books - I identify with just as many of the "male" behaviors as the "female" ones. Sure, I'm stereotypically female in many ways - I love to shop, I cry at sad movies (and sometimes commercials), I cook and sew, I gush over babies and kittens, I score well on verbal tests. But I also fit a lot of male stereotypes - I'm an engineer, I'm uncomfortable with clinginess, I'm good at spatial reasoning, I hate to ask for directions (those two are related, by the way), I hate to clean and don't notice messes.

I certainly don't think most people who talk about gender differences are trying to make those who don't fit neatly into the categories uncomfortable. The fact that it does make me uncomfortable is my issue, not anyone else's. But it seems to be fairly universal that people who have difficulty fitting into accepted roles experience a fair amount of angst about it. And there are way too many of them to take the roles overly seriously.


I also mentioned that I tend to find these discussions tedious. They always seem to devolve into sophomoric evolutionary theory, which while interesting enough in itself seems to me irrelevant to the question at hand. Granted, it's nice to know that there are explanations for why we feel as we do, just as it's somewhat useful to understand why humans gravitate towards sweet and fatty foods. Given that understanding, we can try to shape our behavior to meet our goal (in this case, remaining slim), knowing that we're more likely to succeed by using artificial sweetener or eating butter in small but tasty amounts, rather than attempting to go in completely the other direction and subsist on rabbit food.

The gender question is rather different, though. For one thing, the behaviors aren't defined. (I've tried to come up with lists of masculine and feminine attributes, and fizzled out shortly after Men: larger. Women: smaller. On average.) For another, the explanations are far from certain - though I've heard some good ones, others are dubious at best.

But I don't think explanations are particularly useful at all. In the food example, it's not important that we understand how and why humans want food that, in the current environment, is bad for us. Scientists may be able to use this information to develop new diet drugs, but normal people just need to accept that we are going to desire those things, so that we can come up with practical strategies to work around them.

It's the same in the gender-difference argument. I don't think anyone denies that men and women are, on average, different. I don't care how we got this way. What I'm interested in is the questions - what are our goals, and how are we going to apply what we know to reach them?

(My own crackpot examples follow.)

Given that men tend to be tribalist and competitive, and given that we want to live in peace, how do we prevent standoffs over bits of land? (Ask me another time how the Israel/Palestine conflict is like creepy sports-team devotion.)

Given that women tend to be nurturing and want to stay home with children, and given that we want men and women to have equal rights and responsibilities, how do we ensure that both sexes take financial responsibility for their children?

In intimate relationships, this is easier, I think. People can choose partners who complement them and define their own relationships so that the combined differences become strengths. (Maybe I'll cook and read the maps, while my partner will fix the cars and remember to send the Christmas cards.) In society as a whole, we need to accept the average differences, while respecting the contributions of those who don't fit the stereotypes.

# : 8:40 PM : :

I need to childproof my house. The stupid kittens keep stealing food that isn't good for them, and then they throw up on my carpet. Also, I'm tired of finding food wrappers strewn about the living room. (They steal them from the trash.)

Other than that though, the kittens continue to rock. They were surprisingly good during our Christmas road trip to Cleveland (more on that later; I have pictures) but they're really glad to be home. I think Tess was sick for awhile. Her meow sounded raspy, and she followed me around even more than usual. She also tried to sleep as close to my head as she could at every opportunity, which scared me because that's what she did when she had pneumonia. She didn't even ask to play fetch for a couple days.

She seems back to normal now, though. Her meow is just as loud as every, she made me play fetch for forty minutes, and she's willing to sleep without touching me. I'm happy.

Both of the kittens are still needier than usual; I think they're afraid of another trip. I now regularly have to try and type with a lap or shoulder kitten. Insecure kitties are so cute!

# : 8:53 PM : :

Last night, leaving the hospital, I found myself walking behind someone, as I often do. She was wearing sweatpants and a long shapeless sweater, though when she looked back to see who was following, I saw that she wasn't much older than I am, attractive, with a stylish haircut. Blonde, like me. She walked slowly, as though she wasn't quite sure where she was going.

Being eager to reach my car and get home, I sped up slightly to pass her. As I came up beside her, she turned to me and said "Tell your mother you love her tonight." I wasn't sure whether she was slightly disturbed or giving a public service announcement, until she went on to say "My momma just went to heaven."

I was caught off guard and stammered "I'm sorry for your loss."
She said, rushing, "That's all right. Just call your mom and tell her you love her."
"I will do that," I said, and added "And I'll be thinking about you, too."
"Thank you," she said, and turned, slowly, to walk along another path.
I went to my car, brought to tears by someone else's grief.

Sometimes at times like these I wish I believed in prayer. A promise of thought feels so useless - how nice, rather, to vow an intercession with God. But I say what ineffectual words I can, and trust that the bereaved will understand my meaning. It seems unfair, though, to ask them to understand one more thing when they're already struggling with the unexplainable.

My mom was glad to get the phone call.

# : 12:01 PM : :

Tonight at the hospital I was perusing a Better Homes & Gardens from 2001 (shut up, it was that or a Sue Grafton book) and I ran across an article on urban sprawl, by William L. Nolan. It contained a sentence that made me laugh and laugh, because almost all my friends fall into both of his opposing categories.

Measures designed to control growth and encourage pedestrian lifestyles tend to stir up strong opinions from two opposing factions -- those who hate sprawl and the auto-centered culture that shapes it, and those who love free enterprise.

So, guys, which is it: do you hate Hummers, or do you love America?

# : 7:56 PM : :

2004 was such a fantastic year for me. Once I started thinking back, I couldn't believe all the things that happened. In no particular order:

• Traveled to Thailand and Japan
• Visited San Francisco, Lake Tahoe, Miami, St. Louis, New York City, Pittsburgh, and several Ohio cities
• Learned to sail
• Took organic chemistry and studied for the MCAT
• Sat for the MCAT and scored better than I thought possible
• Became competent at poker
• Moved
• Bought major furniture
• Got kittens!
• Learned to make chocolate souffles
• Had several parties, and attended a ton of social activities
• Got a second job teaching physics, among other subjects
• Received three medical school acceptances, two rejections, and one wait list

Since I had to go back through my archives to see if I got everything, here's a small selection of posts I liked from long ago:

Who Says Money Can't Buy Happiness?

In college, when I would feel closed in and want to get out, I'd have to either beg someone to drive me someplace or lend me their car, or walk (and walking can be helpful too but not in January). This bothered me a lot. But now I can just take off! If I want to go for a drive, if I want to go home for the weekend, if I want to go to the library, I can.

Why I Love Being a Grownup

-no one expects me to drink Kool-Aid or eat generic "sandwich cookies"
-being a geek means I make more money
-I control the thermostat

Stop That!

What's up with the current fad of URL-shrinking services? If you're using a web page, you're using HTML, which means the URL will be hidden in a nice href tag. It can't get broken apart, and no one is going to copy-paste it anyway.

I hate running across links like this, because it's impossible to tell where they point without clicking on them.

Spider-Man Smackdown

Like all great comic-book movies, the Spider-Man movies have a working formula they stick to. This is why I love them. I know what to expect. After coming up with a list of the apparent necessities, I decided to compare the two movies and see which one comes out ahead.

Fun with Appliances

I wish I still lived in the dorm, where the microwave was open to all and there was a steady supply of fearless young men who could be convinced to do dangerous things.

It's funny to read back. I had realized that my blogging style changed (since the purpose of the blog changed), so I was surprised to see that some of my favorite entries were early on. And it's weird to see what I was thinking about, and how it turned out. Unfortunately Haloscan doesn't keep all the old comments, so I need to do something about that before more are lost.

I'm definitely glad I've been blogging the past year. I hope 2005 turns out as well as 2004 did. So far it's off to a great start.

# : 8:40 PM : :