In the comments to my last post, Tim in Columbus asked me if my messiness causes problems in my life. The answer, as I said in the comments, is both yes and no, and I think the way I’ve come to look at the issue is worth sharing.

These days, I see housekeeping as analogous to personal care. There’s a whole ladder of standards: the bare minimum for hygiene (preventing garbage from building up; staying clean enough so you don’t smell and wearing sufficient clothing), a reasonable standard (washing dishes before every single one you own is dirty; combing your hair and wearing presentable, appropriate clothing), and an ideal level (no clutter and washing dishes as soon as they’re used; wearing stylish clothes and waxing your eyebrows).

Do I prefer the ideal level? Sure, in both cases. It’s certainly nice to be in a spotless house, and I really like knowing that I look my best. Do I live up to that ideal all the time? Definitely not. It’s just not worth the effort.

I always wear clean, matching clothes to school, but fairly frequently those are jeans, a sweater, and Docs. I love to wear really stylish clothes with heels and have my hair done, and it would be awesome if I could do that every day with no additional effort, but the fact is that the effort necessary to live up to that level on a regular basis is fairly significant, and it’s simply not worth it to me. I don’t really want my life to revolve around my external appearance, anyway. So I dress up for special occasions, or sometimes when I just feel like it, and the specialness makes it even more fun.

Same thing with the house. I make the effort to keep it at a reasonable level of cleanliness, but in order to consistently keep it free of clutter, wash the dishes every time I use some, dust the furniture regularly, and all of that, would be more than I’m willing to put in. Instead, I clean up on occasion - when someone’s visiting, or when I feel particularly motivated - and I enjoy the results while they last.

Over time, my base standards in both areas have increased - I’ve gotten used to staying on top of my wardrobe so essentially all of my options are at least presentable, and I’ve developed an aversion to going out in public in sneakers. Similarly, I’ve gotten better about shelving my books rather than leaving them in piles, and I sweep the floors a lot more often than I used to.

On the other hand, I’ve gotten more comfortable with adhering to my own standards rather than others’. I try not to feel inadequate when I don’t look as cute as other women I see, and while I enjoy reading fashion magazines, I don’t take their advice personally all the time - I’m not going to wear makeup every day or cut my hair every month, thanks.

Becoming comfortable with my less-than-white-glove housekeeping has been more difficult, and actually coming up with this analogy made a big difference. Just as I actively avoid the temptation to always feel as if there’s a high fashion bar I can’t quite reach, I’ve tried to accept that it’s fine to set my day-to-day housekeeping goal at a reasonable level, with occasional excursions to greater cleanliness. The surprising result has been that it’s actually easier to keep up. Now I think, “oh, I should wash some dishes” instead of “my entire kitchen is so dirty - I need to wash all those dishes, clean the top of the stove, mop the floor, clean the oven, scrub the sink, dust the windowsill, and clean out the fridge - I can never get all that done!” Just washing a sinkful of dishes is a much more manageable task, and as such, it’s far more likely to get done. And I don’t have a constant low-level feeling of guilt that I’m a failure as a housekeeper.

All over America there are mothers telling their daughters that they don’t have to live up to what they see in Seventeen. I’m not aware of a big movement to free women from the expectation that they’ll keep their homes immaculate at all times, and I think one needs to start.

Posted by Amanda in Gender/LGBT |